The Life and Lies of Charles Potter
by Principal N
Summary: A long-awaited autobiography where I steal Harry's thunder from an alternate dimension. Nope, I'm probably not sane, but I'll probably make you laugh as well. Enjoy my non-existent life story in several dimensions! It's classified as Harry because I am Harry. Well, sort of. :P
1. Prologue

A/N: Hey guys, I have a few ideas for stories and here is one of them. Naturally I'll insert myself into the story, replace a major character and enter a romantic relationship with another major character, while bashing other side characters (Ron, Ginny, maybe Albus) and kick antagonist ass!

**The Life (and Lies) of One Charles Potter**

The life of Charles Potter was notoriously hard to find records of, as he was not technically a resident of this particular universe. In fact, he coexisted in many, often at the same time, which got to be quite confusing within its right. The name most are familiar with is Harry Potter, but Charles took his place in many of these universes. Charles had overwhelming knowledge locked away in his mind, but this was only released after he defeated his nemesis, Voldemort, in each dimension.

Oh, fuck, there I go speaking about myself in third person again. Hey everyone, I'm Charles, the very same I spoke of above, and you'll be hearing my life story today. Well, one of them anyways. This book is being published in a non-existent realm where I happen to be born before my time. Also, I've found it remarkably hard to convey emotions in first-person though, so I'll tense shift, just for all you grammar-nazis out there. Thankfully, I don't want to kill my readers with grammaritis, so I'll just be using third-person for flashbacks, which is most of the novel. Now, excuse me a moment, while I cackle evilly at my cleverness.

Now, without further ado, let's delve into my utterly interesting life that may or may not completely destroy the plot of the original Harry Potter books!

A/N: Just an idea that popped up, I'll certainly take advantage of it. I'll mostly stay with canon minus my name and background. I love my ability to reference the story because it's quite literally there: a storyception, if you will. I'm very much enjoying this already. *cackles menacingly, but chokes on something in the back of throat* Bollocks, I've done it again.


	2. Diagon Alley PT 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, even if I am Harry Potter in some sick, twisted way. He/I belong to JKR.

A/N: If Harry acts Out Of Character don't blame me, cause _I _won't be OOC. This story is awesome like that. Also, speech from the first flashback is taken mostly from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (as I like to call it, Sorcerer's Stone just didn't seem right since Flamel was an alchemist and a philosopher; Perenelle Flamel was the Sorceress, supposedly).

Chapter 1: Just some Pre-Hogwarts stuff

I guess we should just start at the top. October 31, 1981. Harry Potter died, along with his parents, I replaced him slightly before Voldie threw the killer at me, and since I exist in multiple planes, it reflected right off me and into him, ripping his soul from his body and unintentionally creating me into a Horcrux. Of course, I knew this would happen and let it, as things would get bad quickly if I wasn't Horcrux No. 7. James and Lily died, but before their souls could go off to wherever they needed to be I called them into me for later. Don't worry, it will all be explained. Ol' Albus and Minnie came and took me to the Dursley Demons, and I spent my childhood there.

To explain Harry's death, I would have to casually say that I pressed the Delete key and he, along with any knowledge of him died and was replaced with that of Charles James Potter, the so-termed 'Boy-Who-Lived'. This is bollocks. I didn't live, I chose not to die, as is my right as an inter-dimensional/inter-universal being. I can't die in a plane until I decide, as well as any bonded by soul to me *cough* James and *cough* Lily. In this particular timeline I had a few special things planned which will come into play later. Now, without further ado, let's begin with the wonders of my abusive childhood.

Unfortunately, I had to deal with malnutrition and repeated beatings from Vernon, Petunia, and Dudders. The horrid semi-humans still spread those horrible rumors about my 'violent tendencies'. I was reasonably intelligent, but I made no move to show it because I wanted to spare myself as much pain as possible. In another timeline I made the Dursleys into my eternal slaves at the ripe age of 2, but I decided against that course of action this time around. I was already pissed with Dumbledork, and made it a priority to curse the old fuck as soon as possible.

The usual spurts of 'Accidental' Magic came into play and I soon got my Hogwarts letters, which Vernon burned, further cementing my desire to turn the entire family into pigs instead of just Dudley for good measure. We moved into the Hut on the Rock and Hagrid busted the door as usual, but when Hagrid zapped Dudders I wandlessly completed the transformation. Now it's flashback time!

_Hut on the Rock, 12:07 am:_

_ An' here's Charlie!" said the giant. _(A very lovable giant, mind you)

_Charles looked up into the fierce, wild, shadowy face and saw the beetle eyes were crinkled into a smile._

_ "Las' time I saw you, you was only a baby," said the giant, "Yeh look a lot like yer dad, but yeh've yer mom's eyes."_

_ Uncle Vernon made a funny rasping noise._

_ "I demand that you leave at once, sir!" he said. "You are breaking and entering!"_

_ "Ah, shut up, Dursely, yeh great prune," said the giant; he reached over the back of the sofa, jerked the gun out of Uncle Vernon's hands, bent it into a knot as easily as if it had been made of rubber, and threw it into a corner of the room._

_ Uncle Vernon made another funny noise, like a mouse being trodden on (_at this point I was inwardly laughing at the expressions on Vernon's face).

_"Anyway – Harry," said the giant, turning his back on the Durselys, "a very happy birthday to yeh. Got summat fer yeh here – I mighta sat on it at some point, but it'll taste alright,"_

_Flashback End_

Okay, I'm tired of third person. I'm sure you faithful readers know what happens after that if you've read Joanne Rowling's series where my name is Harry. (Harry, not Harold, what a riot). I 'learned' about magic, Dudders got a tail, but I waved a finger when Hagrid gave it to him and completed the transformation, but I gave him wings as well. Hagrid stared stupidly at his umbrella while I laughed uproariously at the sight of Petunia chasing Dudders as he flew around the room and Vernon sat open-mouthed like a fish.

Hagrid took me to Diagon Alley at that point, and upon arriving at the Leaky Cauldron, I turned to Hagrid and said:

_Outside the Leaky Cauldron, 11:17 am:_

_ "Hagrid, I appreciate everything you've done for me but I think I'll be alright once we get to wherever we're going. I have plenty of shopping experience thanks to the Durselys, and I would like to enjoy some of my newfound freedom from their clutches."_

_ "Well okay, Charlie, I guess that'd be alrigh'. Don't yeh be gettin' lost, though, now. Stay on the main road, though. I oughta at least accompany yeh to Gringotts, though. I've business o' my own there today."_

_ "Thank you, Hagrid. It means a lot to me. Now can we go? I'd really like to now. Please?"_

_ "Alrigh', alright', follow me now, Charlie, an' stay close now."_

_ "O.K. Hagrid. That sounds great to me."_

_Flashback End_

Hagrid and I entered the Leaky Cauldron and I was swarmed by admirers but I just up and told them to sod off and went on my merry way. Hagrid accompanied me to my vault at Gringotts, and attended to his business shortly thereafter. He told me to meet hime at Florean Fortescue's after I was done shopping. I watched Hagrid lumber out of Gringotts and turned back to the teller, Griphook.

I greeted him in flawless Gobbledygook, saying something along the lines of, "Hello, great goblin Griphook, may your wealth outnumber your enemies'" Griphook just stared at me with his mouth open, it was really quite hilarious. Anyway, after all the pleasantries were exchanged, I asked to become emancipated as Lord Potter, knowing I could due to my relative age in the universes. Griphook looked at me, puzzled as to why I would ask, before he checked his ledger for my age and found, to his bewilderment, that I was over 3,000 years old. Of course, this was cumulative of all my previous lives. I was quickly emancipated not only as Lord Potter, but also Lord Emrys, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin.

A/N: It's shorter than normal but I had to get it up. I apologize for the lack of a thorough Diagon Alley venture, but that will come in the next installment. I just wanted to get done with Gringotts and the Cauldron in advance. I will have multiple wands, multiple animagus forms, and I will have a few miscellaneous powers as well. Please review, I don't like writing blind without feedback.


	3. Diagon Alley PT 2

A/N: Sorry for the major delay. Band started up again and I've been dealing with that. I have, however, spent my time thinking about where to go with my stories. The plot bunnies decided to have a few romps through my head.

**Chapter 3: Why do I even bother with Chapter titles?**

_ Seriously, why do I care what the chapters are called? I'm in a relatively unoccupied dimension writing a book that probably won't be read by anyone. Then again, I don't exactly have anything better to do right now. I might go fuck with Harry's parents and the other Marauders. Ah, hell. I've gone off rambling now. Anyway, I believe I left off with my visit to Gringotts in this particular lifetime._

Charles left Gringotts with a smug smirk on his face. _The look on that goblin's face when he saw my age was priceless, _he though, _I can't wait to see Dumbles. _Charles laughed quietly to himself and strolled to his next destination, Ollivanders. As he walked in the door, the customary bell chimed and the eccentric voice of Mr. Ollivander called out from the back of the store that he would be right there.

"Ah, Mr. Potter, I was wondering when I'd see you again. It's been awhile," he said, being one of the few people alive knowing Charles' dimensional tendencies. In fact, Mr. Ollivander was a dimensional traveler of a sort himself. (That's why he was so odd). "How many wands would you like this time, and any of the usual ones?"

"Surprise me, Steven. I don't have any preference on the makeup of these. As for the number, I'll have 3 this time, and put the usual tracking charms on one of them, preferably the weaker one. I'd also like a couple of wrist holsters with the usual enchantments on them for the other two wands."

"No problem, Mr. Potter. I'll have them ready for you in about an hour."

"Thank you Steven. I'll continue with my excursion and return in an hour to retrieve my wands for this lifetime." Charles left Steven's shop with a mischevious glint in his eyes, having seen a certain Muggleborn enter Flourish and Blotts. Charles followed her in and pretended to reach over her shoulder to browse before turning to her. "Looking for anything in particular, Miss?"

"Oh, hello, I'm Hermione Granger. I'm just looking for anything to help me learn more about the Wizarding world. I love books and learning. What about you?" Hermione said, quickly and all in one breath. Chuck stared for a couple seconds before chuckling to himself. "Was it something I said?"

"No, Miss Granger, I'm just surprised you managed all of that in one breath. Charles Potter, by the way." Her eyes went wide at this proclamation. Chuck put a finger to her lips before continuing, "Everything I'm sure you've read about me is utter bollocks. I grew up in an abusive household, and I rather despise my fame for something that happened when I was a baby. Now, if you want books on the Wizarding world and other magicks, ask me. I can get you anything you need on any subject. If you still want the pile of books next to you, I'd be happy to purchase them for you."

Hermione's face went from surprise to anger at being silenced to contemplation to excitement at free books to worry about the price. "Oh, you don't have to Charles, I can pay for what I have, but you said you can get me books on anything?"

"Nonsense, Hermione, if I may call you that? I have an overabundance of funds due to my newly emancipated status. Technically, I'm Lord Potter-Gryffindor-Hufflepuff-Ravenclaw-Slytherin-Emrys. But I prefer just Charles or Charlie. I would be happy to pay for all of these. As for your question, the accumulated libraries of my family add up to more than double the current contents of the Hogwarts library, all of which being unique titles."

By this point, the bushy-haired girl's eyes had widened so much that she looked eerily similar to a house-elf, and Charles couldn't hold himself in anymore, laughing at the awed expression on her face. What came next, however, was a surprise to the dimension traveler, as Hermione got down on her knees and worshipped Charles, swearing her undying loyalty to him. _Well, that was odd. I was expecting to have to fight a bit more for a minion, but it works for me. Although it is peculiar that said minion is who it is. Perhaps I will make her my lieutenant, much like Bellatrix Lestrange was Tommy's. _Charles pondered these things to himself before realizing with a jolt that none of this had happened. In fact, Hermione was staring at him as if he were mad before tapping him on the shoulder.

"Are you still alive, Charlie? You zoned out and started drooling for a few moments there. Do you need medical help?" Hermione asked with concern in her eyes.

"I assure you I am quite fine. I just had a rather delectable epiphany is all. Now, about these books…." Charles replied, recovering deftly from his mental lapse. Hermione went on and argued for a little while before she grudgingly let him buy them for her. "Now, shall we go? I have some business to attend to at Ollivanders and would greatly appreciate the presence of such a fine young mind such as yourself."

"Well, I'll have to ask my parents, but I'm sure they won't mind as long as they get to accompany us as well, Charlie. They're right over here, let me introduce you." Hermione led Charles to who seemed to be her parents, whom were in turn speaking to a rather portly wizard of no significance to the book whatsoever other than his painful death. Hermione's father bid the man goodbye and turned with his wife, who looked like an older Hermione, to the two youngsters (in the physical sense).

Hermione's father looked dangerously at Charles before reaching out with a hand meant for possible suitors, saying at the same time, "Hello, son, my name is Hector Granger, and this is my wife, Heather. What would your name happen to be?"

Charles took the man's hand in stride, not minding at all the crushing sensation coming from it, and replied in a rather sing-song tone, "Hello. My name is Charles Potter-Gryffindor-Hufflepuff-Ravenclaw-Slytherin-Emrys, but you can call me Charlie. I was wondering if you and your lovely daughter would be willing to accompany me to Ollivanders, as I have some unfinished business there and Hermione here doesn't appear to have a wand yet."

Hector Granger blinked in surprise at the boy's formal tone and enunciation before shrugging and assenting, curious to learn more about the boy who had seemed to capture his daughter's attentions so well. He was thoroughly puzzled, but figured he would probably figure it out later from his daughter.

Heather Granger, on the other hand, was fighting to restrain herself from chuckling at the way the young man in front of them had handled her husband so well.

After stopping at Ollivanders, Charles bid the Granger family goodbye with promises to contact Hermione in the future. He laughed quietly to himself at how their family seemed to have an odd obsession with H names before completing his shopping and returning to Potter Manor to rest.

A/N: Please R&R as to how you like the story so far. I rather enjoy my warring personality and constant insanity, but I'm not sure if you will.


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